Give in or give it over?

I started feeling like I was behind on writing or working on my site and thoughts... and I have to remind myself that no matter where, when or how - I (or we!) are always exactly where I need to be at that time and moment.

For anyone that might know me a bit deeper, I have always been that one to power through, to get things done, to never stop, to just keep going. And over the years, that has come at some expense to my mental and emotional health never mind the physical toll when you push through all the time and don't listen to the signals your mind, body and soul are nudging you with.

Here is a bit of a story.

Back in February of this year, I was laid off from my job. The second time in my life and just as traumatizing and surreal. Even with the months of knowing that I was miserable and that a change needed to happen, it never gets easier when an entity "rejects" or disposes of you. No matter that it isn't personal, that it is a "business strategy" or "restructuring" - it is complete feeling of being dismissed and not valued. And at the getting ripe age of 58, there was that additional feeling of age and "I should be nearing the end of my working not starting to look again" heavy feeling. And that's when the feeling of needing or wanting control really kicks in.

How to "reinvent", re-market, re-advertise yourself - how to reach out to people or companies that you don't know and try to make contact, have that first conversation or try to "sell" yourself if you can.

It was a brutal two months of not knowing, of trying, or making all the efforts that were recommended. It quite candidly was awful emotionally and mentally.

Working to have that trust and faith that something always comes along. That change is the one constant. That believing is more than half the journey.

There were no signs of anything shifting, no answers, no responses (or so few I could count them on one hand if I was missing a couple fingers on top of it!) and having that blind faith in the face of a seeming intractable situation was just plain painful and draining.

Then my dad got sick and ended up in the hospital. And I didn't have the mental energy to do that job search, to keep that focus or control of each day. So I gave in.. not gave UP... I gave in, I gave it over and stopped that concerted effort that was draining me, that didn't feel organic or natural or even possible. There was something much more important to focus on and I released the energy of the job search. And then out of the blue, that call came that wasn't expected for something I hadn't even applied, for let alone in depth thought about in any way. And I have thought about that moment many times since. As soon as that energy of forcing, of pushing, of intensity was released - guess what- the Universe could then do what it does best and sent in what was needed, not what was thought to be wanted. And I continue to look back at that moment and I can feel what it was like to give it over, to give it up, to surrender. It was (and is) an amazing thing to experience and I am grateful for that learning and that experience.

Do I give over or surrender easily since then? No lol.. and it will continue to be that intentional work. I do find I am more relaxed about things I want to do next, or things I have started that I feel some guilt about because I haven't done work on them. I truly am learning to trust my "feels" again, my instincts on what I want or don't want for the day, or for my life.

Learning to trust the process is daily work and is work that I will always continue to embrace.

Be kind to yourself, have grace for yourself, care for yourself ... and give over anything you can to that force that will bring you more than you will ever imagine by trying to force the end result.